Hi there, friends.
Me again. I haven't written a blog post in a while, but I felt compelled to share some thoughts and I wanted to make sure you weren't forced to read them as an aggressively long status update.
This is intended to be a New Years Resolution post of sorts. Maybe. Yes, it's a little late. Yes, it will probably be a little boring. But, I'm going through some shit right now, so you can suck it.
Suck it in the way that maybe by me writing about what I am going through, you might find something in it for yourself. Or maybe just the writing of it will organize my thoughts and be a cathartic experience. Who knows? Hop on this train to self-discovery town and we'll find out together. CHOO CHOO!
Let me explain to you how this year, I'm going to get out of my own way.
"What does that mean?" you ask, suddenly and irreversibly invested.
WELP, I have goals. Artistic goals. Career goals. I've been out of theatre school, fucking around, doing this and that for almost five years now. That is a terrifying thought. I am seriously filled to the esophagus with anxiety just thinking that horrible thought.
What have I accomplished in five years? Some things. Not much. I traveled a bit. I moved out. I did some theatre. I auditioned a time or two. I took some workshops. I got an agent. Small things. This year, I want to do big things. I want to dedicate myself to my art, my field, my chosen path in a big way. Today a facebook friend posted this little nugget: "There is a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you do it regardless." BOOM. I want to commit to my art.
I've been reading Amy Poehler's memoir Yes Please and it has helped me come to the realization of some things that I have always known about the acting business in a cognitive way, but never internalized: Hard work pays off. Do the hard work. If people don't give you work (hard or otherwise) to do, make the work yourself and then do it.
And that is my first goal for this year. Make my own work. And then do that work. They told me this in theatre school five years ago and this year I will get out of my own way and allow myself to do it.
"But, Megan," you begin, still completely and totally enthralled in my struggles. "Why are you referring to this as 'getting out of your own way?' I'm so confused and interested and aroused."
Good question, child. And this is wear shit gets deep. Abandon the expectation of self deprecating jokes all ye who enter here.
It's because nothing has been stopping me from doing this before now- except me, myself and my fear. I feel that what separates this year from any other time in my life is a matter of perspective. Before, failing felt like the worst thing that could happen to me- so I never really tried. Now, the thought of never having really tried is what is keeping me up at night.
I'm done being afraid. Well, that's not true. I'm still pretty fucking terrified. I'm just done letting that fear stop me. Which brings me to my second goal: I'm going to be a happier, more fulfilled person. Luckily, my first goal feeds directly into my second goal. In that, I feel if I make a larger commitment to my art, that the happiness, and the fulfillment will follow. But it's more than that.
Lately, I have to admit to feeling depressed, disconnected, angry and anxious. I think a lot of people in their twenties experience what I am going through from time to time. For me these feelings have been quite acute. Almost scary. These feelings usually accompany the "quarter life crises" thoughts. "Who am I?", "What am I doing with my life?", etc. I am not naive enough to think that a shift in my focus will make all these things go away. I also need to shift my perspective. A lot of things boil down to perspective. Little adjustments to the way I interact with the world and the way I process things will hopefully make the difference between gleeful anticipation and doing breathing exercises while battling a panic attack in a public bathroom stall.
So, here is my 27 Point Plan to Avoid Sadness and Other Shitty Feelings. Note: This is not tried, tested and true. I am not a self-help guru. I can barely self-help myself. For all I know I could just be fucking up my shit more. Also, it is probably not 27 points.
Me again. I haven't written a blog post in a while, but I felt compelled to share some thoughts and I wanted to make sure you weren't forced to read them as an aggressively long status update.
This is intended to be a New Years Resolution post of sorts. Maybe. Yes, it's a little late. Yes, it will probably be a little boring. But, I'm going through some shit right now, so you can suck it.
Suck it in the way that maybe by me writing about what I am going through, you might find something in it for yourself. Or maybe just the writing of it will organize my thoughts and be a cathartic experience. Who knows? Hop on this train to self-discovery town and we'll find out together. CHOO CHOO!
Let me explain to you how this year, I'm going to get out of my own way.
"What does that mean?" you ask, suddenly and irreversibly invested.
WELP, I have goals. Artistic goals. Career goals. I've been out of theatre school, fucking around, doing this and that for almost five years now. That is a terrifying thought. I am seriously filled to the esophagus with anxiety just thinking that horrible thought.
What have I accomplished in five years? Some things. Not much. I traveled a bit. I moved out. I did some theatre. I auditioned a time or two. I took some workshops. I got an agent. Small things. This year, I want to do big things. I want to dedicate myself to my art, my field, my chosen path in a big way. Today a facebook friend posted this little nugget: "There is a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you do it regardless." BOOM. I want to commit to my art.
I've been reading Amy Poehler's memoir Yes Please and it has helped me come to the realization of some things that I have always known about the acting business in a cognitive way, but never internalized: Hard work pays off. Do the hard work. If people don't give you work (hard or otherwise) to do, make the work yourself and then do it.
And that is my first goal for this year. Make my own work. And then do that work. They told me this in theatre school five years ago and this year I will get out of my own way and allow myself to do it.
"But, Megan," you begin, still completely and totally enthralled in my struggles. "Why are you referring to this as 'getting out of your own way?' I'm so confused and interested and aroused."
Good question, child. And this is wear shit gets deep. Abandon the expectation of self deprecating jokes all ye who enter here.
It's because nothing has been stopping me from doing this before now- except me, myself and my fear. I feel that what separates this year from any other time in my life is a matter of perspective. Before, failing felt like the worst thing that could happen to me- so I never really tried. Now, the thought of never having really tried is what is keeping me up at night.
I'm done being afraid. Well, that's not true. I'm still pretty fucking terrified. I'm just done letting that fear stop me. Which brings me to my second goal: I'm going to be a happier, more fulfilled person. Luckily, my first goal feeds directly into my second goal. In that, I feel if I make a larger commitment to my art, that the happiness, and the fulfillment will follow. But it's more than that.
Lately, I have to admit to feeling depressed, disconnected, angry and anxious. I think a lot of people in their twenties experience what I am going through from time to time. For me these feelings have been quite acute. Almost scary. These feelings usually accompany the "quarter life crises" thoughts. "Who am I?", "What am I doing with my life?", etc. I am not naive enough to think that a shift in my focus will make all these things go away. I also need to shift my perspective. A lot of things boil down to perspective. Little adjustments to the way I interact with the world and the way I process things will hopefully make the difference between gleeful anticipation and doing breathing exercises while battling a panic attack in a public bathroom stall.
So, here is my 27 Point Plan to Avoid Sadness and Other Shitty Feelings. Note: This is not tried, tested and true. I am not a self-help guru. I can barely self-help myself. For all I know I could just be fucking up my shit more. Also, it is probably not 27 points.
- Forgive. I often beat myself up over things. I also often beat other people up over things. But mostly myself. This year, I hope very much to let go of the things that Past Megan has done to fuck up Present Megan's happiness. All I can control is what I do and say right now. Not what I did or said. I know this goes without saying, but just a heads up: Time travel doesn't exist. And if at some point in the future, we unlock the power to revisit our pasts, obviously none of the "mistakes" and "regrets" were so severe that Future Megan felt it necessary to amend them. Or else they'd be amended. I try to take comfort in that.
- Get up earlier. I have discovered that getting up earlier makes me hate myself less. I don't like feeling rushed even more than I like sleep. Is this being an adult? I like having time to prepare a matcha almond milk latte before work. Maybe I'm not an adult. Maybe I'm just pretentious.
- Open up. I'm already a pretty open person. Hence this long blog post about my feelings. But what I mean by this is to open up myself to change- to be changed. Let go of judgement about small things, people and the world at large. I want to have a preconceived notion garage sale. Swaps/Trades only. Change me, 2015!
- Forget the competition. I'm sure there's a regular life application for this point, but at this juncture, it applies to acting and auditions. I will either be cast or I won't. Those other people in the hallway don't effect what I bring into the audition room in any way.
- Remember you can't control what others do. (Look! I found the regular life application! I'm so smart.) In this case though, I'm referring to the fact that I often have an expectation of someone and when they don't meet that expectation, I get very angry, or disappointed. But people are people. I am not omnipotent. I can't make someone do things or feel things or say things just by wanting them to do/feel/say things hard enough. Don't waste the effort.
- Unclench. I tell people to do this a lot. I should really take my own slightly mean, but ultimately harmless advice. Just let it go.
- No one should ever feel worse for having encountered me. This needs no further explanation., but just in case: Don't make people feel like shit. My expectations aren't too high- they don't have to feel better after they leave me. They just shouldn't feel worse.
- Do something creative every day. Screenwriting, blogging, ukulele-ing, making bath bombs, creating novelty wall art out of Ron Swanson quotes- whatever. I will do something creative every day.
- Watch less TV. I'm not very optimistic about this one. We'll see.
- Compliment people. It makes them feel good. I will also feel good.
- Stay active. I don't want to "get in shape" or "lose weight." I just don't want to become one of those people who needs a scooter to get everywhere. I want to be one of those people who uses a scooter by choice.
- Reconnect. If you are bothering to read this, I probably miss you. Let's get a cup of coffee or two entire bottles of wine. Let's get back in touch.
I don't know if you can apply any of those to your life, but just thinking about doing them makes me feel a bit lighter.
Anyways, I guess I really only have two goals for this year. But I think they are big enough to fill an entire 365 days.
Check back with me later. I'm going to go have a beer.
Love,
Megan
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